Saturday, February 11, 2017

Mommy that's so beautiful

We woke to a most interesting phenomena of weather. Rain that froze on its way down, so that my entire car was crystallized in it's own ice-like plastic wrap. There was no sign of snow. My husband slipped on the driveway as he went out to warm up the car--a clear sheet of ice covered the road that was not visible to the human eye.

Later that morning Storm, his brother Mouse, and I were on our way driving towards the mountains. Evergreen trees were on both sides of the road, I heard Storm gasp in the back seat. "Mommy, Mommy look!," with child-like wonder he exclaimed, "Mommy that's so beautiful." Just as my car had been encased in ice earlier that morning, the evergreen trees and all the trees of the forest around us, were in encased in a glass like ice display. The trees were crystallized, and as we drove to our destination, they glittered in the afternoon sunlight, it was truly majestic. 

Storm was filled with awe and wonder and so was I. "Look at what God did!" He said. And in my heart the verse "The whole earth is filled with His Glory," came to mind as we observed His handiwork.  The interesting part of the crystallized trees was that since the rain had been blowing in one direction, only one side of the trees were covered in icicles. The other side of the trees were completely clean. Right down the middle, as if they had been cut in half and spared from the chill as well as the beauty.

I noticed something. The icy side was more stunning, it glistened in the sun. Isn't this too how our trials are in life. Oh how painful it is when the icy rain is beating down upon us. "When will it end, why does it hurt so much, why is God allowing this to happen! What is the point" I shout these things to a God that I know is listening, but in the midst of it, He feels so distant.

It isn't until the sun rises and shines upon us that the Light of His Glory reflects the beauty of His handiwork. Do I shimmer with His radiance? Do I reflect His magnificence? Most often the answer is no. Most often I beg Him to remove the burning pain of the ice.  

This was a fleeting serene moment, when the ice covered just the one side of the trees. In order to display such glory, the conditions had to be just right; cold enough to hold the branches in an ice cocoon, bright enough to glisten, but not warm enough to melt the scene away.

This is the moment I am in right now. I can feel it. You might be in this moment too. Oh how it burns, oh how the weight of it bears down on us. I am frozen in this moment and how I wish to escape it. From inside the ice I can't see what God is doing! But I hear God begging me to hold on just a bit longer. In all His radiance, He will shine on me and reflect His glory. He will sparkle over me. He will display His beauty through me, if only I will muster up the courage to wait for Him. 

This is what He is speaking to me in this trial, as I continue the day by day with my precious son, my son whom He gave me, My son whom He loves more than I do. My son who is unique and challenging and oh stretching me beyond what I am capable of handling. Could it be that He is preparing me for something I can't imagine? Could He use what feels like death and darkness, to shine light and life to others? This is my moment. Only in the perfect conditions could the rain freeze and glisten in the sun. It had to be cold enough to freeze, but warm enough to shimmer the radiance of the sun, too much sun and it would melt completely. 

Sometimes in the midst of this trial I feel the sting of it and feel God is abandoning me. Why is He allowing my family and I to suffer? Why doesn't He rescue us now? I mistake the cold I feel around me, like the encapsulated branch, as a sign He has forsaken me. I can't feel the warmth of His presence through the ice. I can't see His purpose or what He is doing, I can't see His glory. In these conditions I must just be the branch. I can't do anything, I am frozen. But I have a choice. I can become bitter and angry and spiteful or  I can submit, I can wait. Oh how hard it is to wait!

Only a few hours later on our way back home Storm surveyed the dry branches "Mommy, it's gone." Indeed, the timberland we surveyed paled in comparison to the glistening forest that left us awestruck only hours before. The ice was gone and had we not seen it with our own eyes, it would have been as if the glorious display had never occurred. But we did see it, and we cherished the beauty of it in our hearts.

As you and I wait on the Lord for whatever we wait for, let us bear His glory, remember that this is only a moment. We can think of it as a moment of pain, of hardship, or even as the ice surrounds us and stings and threatens to weigh down our branches, and kill us--we can remember that this is only a moment in eternity. This is our moment to reflect His glory. His light will come over that hill and before we know it He will shine upon us in all His radiance, the ice will melt and we will be fully in His presence. 

Isaiah 40:31
but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

A Typical Day

Today I woke up to a quiet house, it was a little nerve wracking.  My son walked into my room, actual walked and didn't run.  He came to my bed and said "good morning Mommy, can we cuddle?"  He didn't hit me or scream.  He watched some cartoons while I made breakfast and then he ate his breakfast, and he ate some more, and he didn't start screaming and crying or say that it was too soggy or made him gag.  He played with his brother.   I heard them laughing, there wasn't any fighting or hitting or crying.  Later, I went upstairs,  it was too quiet, I was worried that something was wrong.  Storm and his brother were "making a movie" together.  Later that day I heard Storm, it was his normal voice, he was having a conversation with his sister, "Yes, I'd love to color with you."  And he sat down and they drew pictures together and walked around hand in hand--these two are so close when he is doing well.  There was no screeching or screaming, or repeating words over and over.  Later today all the kids were out side jumping on the trampoline, their laughter rang in the air.  It was the laughter of children, playing outside in the warm sun and just being free to have fun and enjoy each other.  Storm wasn't trying to control who jumped and when, or anxious about having everything just so--he was free to be a brother and to be a kid and have simple, typical fun.  This is how it should be every day, this should be a typical day, but this has become the rarest of days in our home.    This was day was like a gift, much like a sunny 60 degree day in the beginning of January;  It was a sweet surprise and really unexpected.  My son hugged me over and over today, he kept telling me every few minutes "Mommy, I love you so much."  "Mommy, I love you with all my heart."  "Mommy you are the best Mommy."  I close my eyes tonight, wondering if he was trying to say as much as he could, while he was with me, in case tomorrow I wake up to someone else.  I cherished every part of this day, I drank it in, I soaked in the sun.  I felt happy for the first time, in a very long time.  I felt hopeful, I know my son is here, I pray so hard that he will stay, that we are on to something--that he could be healed so we can always have these days or at least more of them.  How I miss this boy so much.  It was so hard to say goodnight, I hugged him so many times today and also told him how much I loved him.  I told him, do you remember how hard it's been these past few weeks?  He lowered his head and turned his eyes from me "Yes, Mommy."  "You know it's not your fault right?  You know that strep throat is making you sick inside right?  We are giving you medicine now to get rid of it, it's going to help you.  You know I love you and I'm not upset and it wasn't your fault."   "Yes Mommy. I love you."  I don't want this day to end.  This is the best day we've had in 4 months.  It was healing for us all.  I'm excited, but scared, have we finally found a way to help him?  With all my heart I hope so.  

We recently found out that our son has PANDAS, after four years of misdiagnosis we are finally treating him correctly.  I will continue to update my site with all that I am learning so that we can help others who are fighting for their children's lives.